I have always looked forward to my birthday; counted down to it for over a month. This year I did not. I was not feeling exuberant about it. As with most everything that had been going on, I felt like it was going to be a big let down. I wasn’t prepared for the let down that was coming with it this year. It was going to be big and I wasn’t prepared for it.
The weekend prior to it, he tried to make it normal. We went out on an early morning kayak to one of my favorite kayaking spots. Somewhere I like to call adventure pond. I love to take pictures of wildlife, scenery and him immersed in both. We went and explored as we do and and eventually split up. I love to spy on him through the lens and try and sneak up on him while we kayak. It is childish, but it is something that I have long done, at least since we have had the kayaks. I do it at home too, and jump around corners at him. It is harder in the water to sneak up on someone, in a boat, with paddles, but I have been able to do it a time or two.
It felt mostly like any other day to me. He was a bit strained, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I was hyper sensitive about most things, and it was no different that day. I was vigilant about what he was doing, and initially didn’t let him far out of my sight. The fall colors were just starting to be bold. The birds were not out in full force, but they were there. I had been trying to perfect the art of catching them mid flap with feathers extended in photos. If we kayaked too close together, the birds would not be in flight, so we had to separate some. I was far enough away from him that I could watch him without him really knowing what I was looking at.
I saw him on his phone. My blood started to boil. I paddled up near him and accused him of communication with her. He vehemently denied. I paddled off to think. Did I believe him? Did I know what to believe anymore? Was he someone to believe? This is the man I married, the man I loved and trusted more than anyone on Earth. I was there on my beloved adventure pond, all but having a temper tantrum on a beautiful fall day because something in my gut didn’t feel right about what he was telling me. I didn’t like the way he was sitting there with his phone in the kayak.
I kayaked off to a far corner and sat there, knees curled to my chest, crying and crying. Was this really what I wanted? Was this what I deserved? I knew it wasn’t what I deserved but I wanted him. I wanted it to be better. I wanted and I still want it to be better. It can be. But it takes a change in mindset. He wants to be the victim of how bad everything is for him; how he deserves happiness. He had it. At his fingertips. In bed with him. At the dinner table. Next to him on the couch. In the loveseat. He chose instead to sneak around and look for other means of happiness. Instead of looking at home, where his four hearts were.
He found me eventually. It came out that his affair wasn’t isolated over the course of our relationship. That there had been one night stands. I am not upset about those. I am upset about the ongoing betrayal. The day in and day out lying. Lying to my face about where he was going. Saying he was working out. Saying he was taking a walk. Saying he was going to men’s league basketball. Saying he was going to the grocery store. Saying he was going to work. Then being mad at me for being at work. Because he wasn’t really at work all those hours. He was seeking her out. Seeking others out. Instead of talking to me about it. Whatever “it” is.
On my birthday, I found a secret email account he had started to communicate with her while she was in Romania. She was leaving to come back stateside and traveling on my birthday. He started my birthday out with an email to her about how much he missed her and couldn’t wait to hug her and kiss her. He thought he was so sly; but he wasn’t. He didn’t delete all the emails or the videos. I confronted him and made him email her in front of me. Then I changed the password.
I continued my birthday celebration by sitting in my friends office crying and sobbing uncontrollably. Did I really want this? What did I do to deserve this? Was I this bad of a wife? Maybe I was. Maybe I did deserve this. We always joked, at least I did, he was the wife. He was better at cleaning than me. My preferred way of cooking was takeout. I had many years of living with just myself and my child and we didn’t like the same things, so it was always nice to get takeout or eat out. I didn’t have to worry about if they were going to like their dinner that way. I am a very capable wife; I am able to cook and clean, but it hurts my feelings when someone says that something I made isn’t good. The kids had been known to do that.
So, where did this leave me? I told him that he was to severe all ties with her immediately. I put a password on his phone, so he could not add any apps without my assistance. I blocked her number. I felt slightly, but not completely empowered.
We had celebrated my birthday with my mother and the one remaining child at home the night prior to my birthday this year. I cried through the presents and the cards. I made my one birthday wish while blowing out my candles, but I wished with all my might; that he would come to his senses. I am still waiting.
Never had a white picket fence 